You Know You're Getting Old When...
Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
You wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didn't do anything the night before.
It takes twice as long to look half as good.
Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.
People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... have come back in style.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
The pharmacist has become your new best friend.
You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
You start video taping daytime game shows.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
You look for your glasses for half-an-hour, then find they've
been on your head all the time.
You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
Happy hour is a nap.
You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You don't remember when your wild oats turned to shredded wheat.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't
remember being on top of it.
The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your
pants.
You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to
watch television.
You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad
memory.
You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of
bread USED to cost.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You got cable for the weather channel. Old Folks MTV!
Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
Conversations with people your own age often turn into
"dueling ailments."
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
You realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
You don't remember being absentminded.
You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
Your drugs of preference are now vitamins.
You tip more and carry less.
You read more and remember less.
You get propositioned by AARP.
Younger women start opening doors for you.
You begin to become invisible in the dating and mating game.
The highway patrol sigh or shake their heads but don't give you a ticket.
You scout for a warmer place to spend the long, cold winters.
You are no longer 'promising'.
Younger men ask you for advice.
You work on your short game.
Youthful injuries return with a vengeance.
Youthful indiscretions harden into bad habits.
You shop for health insurance the way you once shopped for a
new car.
Your medical expenses go up 50%.
A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.
You learn where your prostrate is.
You develop a knack for wearing hats.
"But First" Syndrome
I have recently been diagnosed with the "But First syndrome". You
know, it's when I decide to do the laundry, I start down the hall
and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the
laundry.....
BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper . Then, I notice the mail
on the table. OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle
stack.....
BUT FIRST I'll look through that pile of mail and see if there are
any bills to be paid. Yes, now where's the checkbook? Oop's.....
there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm
going to look for that checkbook.....
BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the
kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of
water. I put the glass in the sink, and darn it, there's the remote
for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just
put it away.....
BUT FIRST I need to water those plants.. Head for the door and.....
Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat. Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put
that remote away and water the plants.....
BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat..... End of day; Laundry is not
done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink,
bills are unpaid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the
remote control..... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing
got done all day, I'm baffled because.....
How many do you remember ?